Why am I a Geek, you may ask?

Why am I a geek?

It's true; I consider myself a geek. But I am no ordinary geek. I am a smart, athletic, cool, guitar playing type of geek. In high school, my friends were considered the smart jocks; pretty much a class of their own. I kept pretty good grades, good enough to make the honour roll, and had great hand-eye coordination. But I never truly fit in to one specific group of kids. I never owned one single identity, one true identity.

It was not until only recently, after reading some good writing, at Wil Wheaton dot NET, that I finally found the courage to accept that, in reality, I always was a part of a group. I was part of the geek group of kids. I was a geek. I had been a geek back in grade school, and high school. I had been a geek in college and university. I had been a geek throughout my entire adult life too.

Why do I mention Wil Wheaton, you may ask? Well, indirectly, he helped me accept something about myself. And not only accept, but value, and cherish, a part of me, that I didn't accept when younger, especially during my high school years. Through his writing, and his humour, and his wit, I  was able to discover something about myself that I truly believe was always a part of me.

First of all, let me say that I was a fan of his Start Trek years, and insanely jealous of him. He was on my favourite show of all time, getting to act, and hang around with my legends; the actors that I grew up watching and loving. I loathed him for having the opportunity to do something that I could only dream about.

I realized, eventually, that it wasn’t “Wil the actor”, or “Wesley Crusher”, that I was jealous of, but it was what he, the person, had accomplished, that I was jealous of. I wanted to be in his shoes. I wanted to play Wesley. I wanted to be the kid on Star Trek. I wanted to be part of that space family. I wanted to be him. I wanted to accomplish something.

Growing up watching Star Trek served to fuel my creative engine, but unlike many of the geeks that are typically called geeks, I didn’t have the courage to do what I really wanted to do. I wanted to game, and I wanted to be a scientist, and I wanted to be an athlete. I wanted to show the world what I was capable of. I had these dreams, and aspirations, and maybe even delusions of grandeur, but all the same, I wanted more to be like me, I wanted to be special. I wanted to be on the exterior, what the real me was inside: a geek.

Being Asian didn’t help much either. I was one of only a few Asian kids in my entire school. I always looked different. I always felt different. Perhaps I even smelled differently; I don’t know. But one thing I do know is that I always thought differently. I didn’t look at things the way my peers seemed to look at things. I would see something, and imagine what that thing would be like if it were to be something else.

My mother always said I was clever, but I never believed her. Maybe it was low self-esteem, or a lack of self-confidence; I don’t know, but I never thought that I had an edge on anybody. And I still don't. Even after getting the results of an IQ test, administered by a clinical psychologist, who basically said that I am actually pretty sharp, I still didn’t believe it. My inner self lied to me and forced me to think that she had made a mistake, and that I would get a call back saying I hadn't scored so well after all. How ridiculous is that?

IQ is not everything. I know that. Truth be told, the results actually hurt me, emotionally. On the positive side of things, however, was that it did boost my confidence in a way that I wasn't prepared for, because I now realized that my ideas, and my way of thinking, weren't so wrong after all. I was just different. My thought processes were different, and often better, than I had imagined. No longer did I feel that the way I solved problems was incorrect. In this case, being different was beginning to feel really, really good.

Today I am known for my cleverness, and for being a good problem solver. I’ve accepted that I am different, and that I am smart. And therein lies the key: acceptance. I needed to accept that I am the person that I am. I needed to accept that I am a geek, because that is who I am. There is no reason for it other than that. I love board games, and chess, and D&D, and role playing, and learning new things, and doing whatever smart or geeky stuff there is to do out there. That’s me, and I’m okay with that.

So the final answer, as to why I am a geek, is this:

Because that is my identity, and I love it.